Repentance and Restoration one year later…a journey and not a destination

Well, where do I start…this is a very difficult topic, and to begin it is difficult because there are so many things that contributed to it. Let’s just start with where I am now. I am in a state of disappointment regarding some things that transpired one year ago. I am disappointed in myself. I let many people down, and I lost a lot in the process. That says a lot in and of itself, but I can continue. I regret my decisions, and I have asked all who I have come in contact with for forgiveness. Many have been very gracious. Some have elected to not do so, which I am fine with, which was an issue prior to all of this happening, but I have learned how to reconcile those situations. More than anything, I continue to forgive myself for all that has transpired, which is the toughest part of this journey.

I returned to Alabama three years ago to work at my alma mater. It was the place where I completed three degrees, where I met many lifelong friends, where I grew into adulthood, and where I was able to be a part of some special teams in football which granted many experiences and skills that have benefitted me. I have deeper roots to the University than many people, so it meant a lot to me to be there. However, my primary reason for returning was to be closer to my mother whose health was failing. As an only child, I felt compelled to be closer as I could not convince her to move closer to me in Oklahoma. Regardless, when the position came up for the vice president of student life, it seemed like the reasonable next step in my career. I had a great job at the Oklahoma Department of Human Services, and I was excited about the opportunity to continue in that capacity to assist people in a different way than I had earlier in my career. I considered it to be the place where I would spend the remainder of my career, until things happened with my mother’s health decline. Returning to Alabama was a career shift, but it was a necessity to get closer to home and my mother. Some qualified the opportunity as my dream job. That had not been the case because I understood the complexities of it as I had watched from afar as others had been eaten alive by the role. I swore that I never would look at this particular role at Alabama or any similar institution…especially Alabama. I also had other career aspirations at that time, so it was not my “dream job”. It was a great opportunity at a place that I loved dearly that was 680 miles closer to my hometown than I was before taking the job. It made sense. However, I will always say that it is one of the toughest jobs of its kind in the country due to the complexities of the culture. That is not being critical. It’s a reality.

To this day, I am extremely generous to all who made the opportunity available, and I continue to be appreciative to have been able to serve the university in that capacity. There are things that I wished could have been done differently, but it is what it is. Those things were not deal breakers then, and they are not now. This is not about that.

This is about dealing with hurt and unresolved trauma which was complicated by new stressors. It is not about any excuse. It is my reality, and it is my truth. Many have their opinions, and I respect that, but I hope that as you are reading this, you understand that it is my truth. I am writing this because I am hopeful that those who are hurting and have unresolved issues and trauma will follow a different path than I followed.

I have written much about the positives of growing up where I did in Sweet Water, AL. I had so many mentors and friends who helped me to become the person that I am today. I don’t mention the challenges that I had to include physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. It is not important where or who was responsible as it is water under the bridge (control what you can control, right), but it left scars. There were certain family disconnects that created challenges throughout my life. My grandmother was my rock and provided me with significant support and guidance as I grew up. My mother provided me with ample opportunities, and her influence is the reason that I worked in education for so many years, but our relationship was very unstable. She did what she could with what she had. However, many who knew her knew that she could be a tough customer to deal with. She was complex. I just had to deal with it as her son. We both had “our ways” as my grandmother used to say. I needed to be back closer to her as her health declined because that is what I was supposed to do, but it complicated my life in ways that I had forgotten during my 20 years in Oklahoma. Many old and unresolved issues resurfaced, and I realized that it caused me to react in negative ways. I ignored it. I am not blaming her, as I should have responded in different ways. I didn’t.

“Coming home” was supposed to be great for me also in terms of returning to my alma mater. I was excited about the prospect. The ability to walk across the campus that contributed to the person that I am was so exhilarating as I thought about being back in Tuscaloosa. The ability to reconnect with the people who mentored me and the ones who I considered to be friends was exciting. The ability to work with the next generation of Capstoners was exciting. Well, I arrived in late March 2020. The world was different, and Tuscaloosa was not immune to this new reality. The pandemic was just starting, and the ability to reconnect and become a part of the community that I loved so dearly was not a reality. I came back under very different circumstances. These circumstances were not ideal by any means. The job that I mentioned was one of the toughest in the country was further complicated by the coronavirus. No longer was I going to be the person who contributed to a positive college experience for students, but I became a primary face for students and parents as the barrier to enjoying their college experience. I was the one who shut down all of the social events. I was the one who was going to ruin their freshmen year…someone else’s senior year. I was the one who was going to “destroy long standing traditions”. A counter group’s argument was that I was the one who was not doing enough to protect them. I was the devil to many. Instead of the welcome home that I expected, I was viewed by many as a pariah. That was very difficult as I expected it to be so much more.

Fast forward as I sat in my “class” that I was supposed to complete to be exonerated for my crime per my lawyer, I looked around the room at the other men who were there for the same reason. They were broken and downcast for the most part. There was remorse there. We were together for four hours, and there was little conversation, but I have been around many people in many situations, and I am able to read a room. As we were browbeaten with commentary from individuals with very clear agendas who presented to us on that day, I was disappointed that more was not done to deal with the brokenness that existed in that room. I saw a movie recently that had one line where a woman says to a man, “You have a hole in your heart.” She went on to say that she saw it when she first met him, and she felt that she could fix it. After much time, she threw up her hands in frustration and gave up. She realized that she could not fix it. Maybe no one could, but the one person who possibly could was that young man. The men in the room that I engaged with had holes in their hearts. They had issues that were unresolved from some segment of their lives. Those holes were different sizes, but they caused these men to constantly search for something to fill it. Temporary fulfillment created more frustration, and it led to a continued journey in search of something to fill the void that existed in their hearts. I related to them because I had that hole…I possibly still have it.

The last year has been spent talking to counselors, talking to pastors, mentors, fraternity brothers, many friends/family, and former teammates/A-Club members. I have learned much about myself, and I have forgiven myself for many of my past mistakes. However, there is a lot that I have carried through the years. Acceptance is something that I have chased because of that hole. I achieved much, but it was never enough because I still had to satisfy more people. I pushed myself hard, and it led to significant undue stress and an unwillingness to be content. I sought perfection in so many ways just to gain that acceptance. There were things that I legitimately engaged in and enjoyed, but there were also things that were driven by this relentless desire to please others. I did well in many ways in helping others, and that was not vanity. It is who I am. I desired to make a difference for students and others in my community. However, in doing this work and striving toward perfection, I was not dealing with issues that I had lived with for years. When that happens, you engage in a slow fall. You cannot fully help others, if you do not help yourself. You fall into situations that you thought you would never be in. If you don’t deal with these issues, you will forever make that hole bigger in your heart, and you hurt those that you really care about.

I cannot emphasize my faith enough in all of this. God has granted me Grace in so many situations, in spite of myself. It was hard moving here and not being connected to a church family. We had a great church family in Oklahoma, and we looked forward to connecting here upon our arrival, but churches were shut down for months when we arrived. It was impossible to create a connection and to sustain our faith. It was also hard to stay connected with our friends and church in Oklahoma because of the distance. I felt more and more removed from God during this time. It was frustrating, and I believe that many experienced this disconnect even when they were a part of a church because of the pandemic. There was no one to embrace us when we arrived. I…we needed that. We have finally found a church family, and it has been good to rebuild our relationship with God first. I cannot say enough about the support that our pastors and Sunday School class have provided to us over the past year. It has been a blessing.

I was reading a passage about King David this morning. It reminded me that this man of God who is recognized as being a man after God’s own heart had failed on many levels. In Psalm 51, we find David walking through various steps of repentance and restoration after failing to follow God’s standards for righteous living. That scripture and his example have resonated significantly with me over the past year. I have asked for forgiveness on many levels, and I have asked for reconnection with God. Finally, I have asked Him to allow me to live a life that follows the paths that He desires for us. At the end of the day, I feel that I have regained my past connection with Him, and I know what needs to be done to stay on that path. I have found my source and strength, and I have reclaimed the relationship that has carried me through so much. I am so thankful to Him for His Grace and Mercy.

Why am I sharing this? Well, I am hopeful that someone will read this, and seek the assistance that they need to deal with past traumas. I have seen too many people who have resorted to other scenarios (some very tragic) because of the traumas that they have experienced and have failed to deal with. I want to encourage you to talk to someone who can help you — a counselor, a pastor, any professional who can help you deal with these challenges. In the “midst of my storm”, I was fearful of asking for help. I didn’t have enough time. I was too prideful to ask for help. I was too embarrassed to ask for help. I write this post not because I lost a great career opportunity, but because I almost lost so much more. I will have to work a very long time to recover the trust and faith that people had in me. That creates even more insecurity in me than I had before, so that is why I am writing this to encourage you to not end up in this situation. You don’t have to wait 50 years and experience significant hurt before you can experience peace. It is not over. I am a work in progress, but at least I am working through it in a way that is not hurting anyone else. I implore you to understand that life can be better if you get to know yourself better and deal with these situations in a positive manner. I wish you well on your journey. May God bless you.